I know that this title sounds silly, but it is the absolute truth. I am afraid to be me and by this, I mean that I am afraid to be real, raw, and 100% authentic.
I believe that this way of thinking stems from my younger years. I was bullied a lot for being a shy kid. I wanted to have a lot of friends; however, I didn’t have the greatest communication skills. The friends that I had were more like acquaintances, I felt like no one truly knew me because I had a wall up.
Why I am Afraid
I am scared of being judged, abandoned, rejected, and ridiculed like I was back when I was younger. I have completely morphed into a very different person today, but that shy introverted teen still lives within me and so do the scars.
Everyone wants to feel love and acceptance and the thought of that being withheld is very painful. I am afraid to say what’s on my mind, my beliefs, or who I am. Parts that I don’t like about myself I try to hide, hoping that no one will notice.
The Outside Doesn’t Match the Inside
I am the kind of girl that hides behind a smile and a face full of makeup, I am the kind of girl that will sugarcoat what I think to not hurt someone’s feelings, I am someone who would rather keep my feelings inside to avoid hurting someone’s feelings. I am the kind of girl that everyone thinks has her life together and doesn’t have a care in the world. They don’t see that I put up a front that all is okay even when it’s not.
I am mostly outgoing and bubbly, I love to joke and have fun, and I love deep conversation and getting to know other people even though I clam up when they try to get to know me. I love to laugh.
I admire those that are real and raw. I admire those that can share what is on their mind and in their hearts without fear. They can share parts of themselves and not care what other people think. They are just them and I love that, I aspire to be that.
As I Get Older
I am getting better at being authentic. I am learning to share my mind and learning to communicate better to prevent getting myself into an even worse situation. I am trying very hard, and this is a real goal of mine that I am desperately trying to reach.
I am very good at giving advice and terrible at following my own, I am a work-in-progress, and I am truly hoping to continue down this path of being 100% authentic and having true self-love.
An Important Reminder
Each one of us is unique and beautiful and our past has no place in the present or future. Sometimes it is hard to shed parts of ourselves, but we keep showing up every day, learning and growing.