It’s the end of December and that means there are only a few days left until January. It’s been years, but every time this time of year rolls around it brings back a painful memory.
Many years ago, I was working in the medical field, and I met a lady close to the age of my mother. She was warm, personable, and had a good head on her shoulders.
She felt like a familiar soul to me and I looked at her more like family than I did a friend. I thought so highly of her that I was thrilled when she told me that she wanted me to meet her son who was almost the same age as me.
We picked a local coffee shop just to see how things went and to take the pressure off. I remember being incredibly nervous partly because of my personality and partly because I have been in the strangest situations when it comes to relationships, which is very unsettling to me.
Ryan (name has been changed) was also very nervous. He had been in two long-term relationships and wasn’t used to dating much because of this.
We nervously glanced at each other while we enjoyed a hot cup of coffee and some delicious freshly-baked chocolate chip muffins. We tried to keep the sense of humor going by commenting on random things that caught our eye in this little coffee shop.
We Were Okay
Small talk started to fade as we casually brought up slightly deeper topics. It was a nice feeling to feel “okay.” We felt safe and the vibe was just right. To say I was pleased is an understatement!
There was a definite connection between us. Having had a close connection with Ryan’s mom, I felt even closer to Ryan than I typically would just starting.
We decided that there was potential there and we thought of some really fun date ideas.
Time Went On
Things went smoothly for a while, over a year, and then slowly by slowly I started noticing things that made me realize that Ryan was not who l thought he was.
I was in denial about some of the behavior that I saw. He started to become rude, he would try to show off, even at my expense. Ryan no longer looked after me and he didn’t communicate very well, sadly neither did I because I didn’t know how to approach this situation.
Ryan became very pushy which only pushed me away… far, away. He became easily upset and angry over the smallest things. I started to worry; I knew this was over.
The way this relationship ended was and still is extremely upsetting for me. I think about it almost every single day. Ryan was an amazing person until he wasn’t. I wish the old Ryan would come back…perhaps he never existed, and it was all for show.
I can’t get into many details about this story as I currently write anonymously, but I wanted to write a letter to him, one that I will never send, but I would love to get it off of my chest. Thank you in advance for allowing me to express these feelings and for being here with me.
My Letter to You
If I could go back to the last day that we saw each other, I would in a heartbeat. Neither of us was an adult about the situation. We didn’t communicate our thoughts and feelings, instead, we sat in silence pretending that everything was okay, when it was not.
I don’t know why I saw a big change in you, but it was very surprising. I didn’t want to disturb the peace and end up losing you and your mom, so instead I sat quiet, which is not like me because I always stick up for myself, often too much.
It is clear to me that we were not meant to be together, but the fact that we don’t have any closure with this situation makes me wonder how I can move past it. You may not even think of what happened anymore, or possibly you do. Maybe you are longing for closure as well.
One thing is for certain, we live, and we learn. I am sorry for the pain that you have caused me and the pain that I have caused you. Maybe we could have settled everything if we spoke our minds, but that opportunity is gone now. Though not easy, I will choose to reflect on this situation as a life lesson that I was meant to learn from.
Thank you so much for letting me write out the feelings in my heart and mind. I appreciate you being here to listen.
We cannot go back in time, so the only way to move is forward. I know that I will not allow myself to be in a similar situation again because I am committed to openly communicating. I saw what a lack of communication can do to a relationship. Fear of losing someone is not a good reason to let your thoughts go unspoken, because in the end most likely you will lose them anyway for this very reason.
It helps to express these locked-up feelings in my heart, but I also still long to have closure on something that I most likely never will have. It is up to me to create closure and I will try my hardest to work through it.
5 thoughts on “Dear Ex”
Oh, I do this! Write letters that are never sent just to get things out of my head. I’m glad you didn’t end up with this guy. He sounds abusive.
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It does help, I am glad that you have found this out too 🙂
Thank you for sharing your feelings and story, it’s very tender. This sort of dynamic can make us feel so confused and “stuck”. Sometimes we have to accept that we’re the ones who can give it closure. Sending love 💕
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Sending love back to you 🙂 Thank you so much!!